I'm A Little High On Pain Killers
by Uchiha Xairylle
Summary: IchiRuki I’m broken; broken as this large sword that I’m gripping with such intensity, with all the strength that’s left of me as if this could be enough to satisfy whatever hurt and guilt that’s in me now.
1. Ichigo

**I'm A Little High On Pain Killers**  
_By Uchiha Xairylle_

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_Don't move! Stay there and live for as long as you can. Just try coming after me and I will never forgive you!_

**The Initial Dose  
Ichigo**

It was raining. For some reason, when something bad happened to me, it rained. When my mom died, it rained, too, didn't it? Now that Rukia left with those two weird-ass Shinigami guys, it's raining, too… Damn. I'm starting to hate the rain. I sometimes have to bring an umbrella when it does and I really don't like having to bring a lot of things with me. And when I don't bring an umbrella, I end up being soaked — dripping from my head to toes, my clothes are drenched and my face… I look like I'm crying.

And I don't like crying.

I won't cry.

Even when that fang-like sword of that red-head ripped against my flesh, I didn't cry. Even when that scarf-donning shinigami broke my sword in two, I didn't cry. Even when he threatened to cut my arm off, I didn't cry. Even as I lay helplessly on this street, I didn't cry.

Even as Rukia left, I didn't cry. I called. I shouted. But I didn't cry. Even as those doors closed in moments that seemed to be forever, I did not cry. I looked on. I didn't cry.

Perhaps that's what hurt. I called. I shouted. I looked. I just _lay_ here like the weakling that I am. I called for her and the only thing she did was look back. She looked back at me as I lay motionless. Her eyes… I have never seen her look at me that way. Not once. I had never felt this banging pain in my chest before and I don't think I want to feel it ever again. Hnh. I don't think I ever will now that I'm lying here, waiting for my shitty life to end. What's the use of a weakling in this world? A weakling who can not protect his mother or his self or…

A weakling who could not protect Rukia.

A weakling who could not let her stay.

I'm broken; broken as this large sword that I'm gripping with such intensity, with all the strength that's left of me as if this could be enough to satisfy whatever hurt and guilt that's in me now.

Was this place not for her? Did she not belong here? I tried, didn't I? It was all new to me and it was all so sudden. Things happened before I could understand it but even with this minute understanding I had that she always mocked, I tried. Tsch. No one said trying was enough, right?

But did I not try hard enough?

I hate being helpless like this. I hate being faced with something so deep and confusing that it's so hard for me to understand.

I tried coming to your rescue, Rukia. I might not be the prince on that white noble steed. In fact, I don't think I want to be. I just wanted to be the one to rescue you — the orange-haired blockhead Shinigami Representative to rescue you. And then by then, maybe I could tell you, "Who's the idiot now, midget-in-distress?"

But as things stand, after all that weakness I showcased, I don't even have the right to tell you to stay.

I got you in this mess but I can't get you out of it because I'm too occupied getting myself out of the mess I'm in. Since when had I been so selfish?

Selfish enough to hate the rain — the tears from the sky as if crying in my stead.

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AN: I'd appreciate a review. Thank you. Bankai.


	2. Rukia

**I'm A Little High On Pain Killers**  
_By Uchiha Xairylle_

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_Don't joke around with me. Rukia! RUKIA!_

**The Subsequent Dose  
Rukia**

Am I selfish?

Perhaps.

I know so well that I put him in such a grave situation. We were lucky Niisama agreed to leave him alive. He was not meant to be in this kind of mess if he had not met me so everything that happened was my fault. If anything happened to Ichigo because of me… If anything happened to Ichigo… I would never forgive myself.

I do not understand why he has to be so stubborn. I told him not to follow. I told him to just _stay there_. Ichigo never listened to whatever it I say to begin with. If I really didn't want him to follow then I should have just left without a note.

No, that wouldn't add up right.

I left a note as a token of gratitude because I did not want to be someone to come into another's life, change it and then leave without a word. It was out of courtesy and out of care. I was praying he'd pay attention to that but, no. He just _had_ to look for me.

Ichigo, you are an idiot.

And so am I.

I could have just told him my powers returned, that I'd return to Soul Society, that I was thankful for everything. I could have just told him I was sent for by someone. I could have told him something else, something to convince him to just stay put. It was the point of the note, wasn't it?

And that is why I'm an idiot.

Perhaps there's this part of me that really wanted him to come after me and that just makes me so selfish. Whether or not I'd admit it, it stands true that I did have that human-like expression on my face when Renji found me. I have become attached to this world — attached to him. I found emotions unnecessary for Shinigami like me and I found a place I'd like to stay in. But sadly, this is a world where I don't belong.

Why?

Do I need to ask why?

I am Kuchiki Rukia and by adoption of Kuchiki Byakuya, Captain of the Sixth Squad of the Gotei 13, I am part of the Kuchiki noble house. Niisama underwent trouble by merely doing that so I do not understand why he must take me in under his wing. Regardless if he did not show a thread of care for me in the past, it still remains that I have brought shame upon his name.

I am Kuchiki Rukia, enlisted under the Thirteenth Squad headed by Captain Ukitake Jyuushirou. Though I remain without a notable seat, it is a fact that I have trampled upon the Shinigami code of honor.

I am an idiot.

I am a selfish idiot.

I am a selfish, shameful idiot who dared come back alive to Sereitei. But more so, I am a selfish, shameful idiot who tapped into business that is not my own, dragging other people into the mess I created.

I wonder if Ishida-kun is all right. And I wonder if Inoue-san could forgive me for not coming to the festival with her. I wonder if Sado-kun would have any more weird pets.

I need not wonder. They will all forget me.

So Ichigo better be all right because if he came after me…

… I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF.

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AN: I'd appreciate a review. Thank you. Bankai.


	3. Byakuya

**I'm A Little High On Pain Killers**  
_By Uchiha Xairylle_

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_It looks like you don't want to keep that arm so much._

**The Ensuing Dose  
Byakuya**

It's the eyes, Hisana. If anyone asked me what would be the difference between you and Rukia, I would say it's the eyes. You and your sister look very much like each other, you could be twins. The moment I saw her, if I had not known better, I would mistake her for you. But, no. Rukia does not have that expression you have, Hisana and it's because of her eyes.

Some say that violet is the color of sorrow and of loneliness. Is that why Rukia's eyes have that shade? Was she meant to suffer this way?

Back then, Rukia's eyes had a strong impression. She would change expression every now and then but the loneliness and strength intermingling and sharing her heart would be there. Back then, she would speak in a tone from Rukongai. Even when she fought; even when she narrated; even when she laughed; even when she cried… All of it had the trace of the harshness and spite of her memories from Rukongai.

At least, back then.

And back then, I did not bother to change it because that was who she was and I did not think she would like to be changed. I believe you would do the same, wouldn't you, Hisana? Rukia would remain to be Rukia from Rukongai wrapped in the intensity of the Court of Pure Souls.

She was a noble and a commoner in one body.

At least, back then.

But earlier, Hisana… I have never seen Rukia in that state before. She was crying for the human though the tears were somewhat invisible. Her eyes were sparkling. It was the first time in the long time had I seen eyes sparkle out of that kind of pain.

The first time since the time you looked at me with the pained sparkling eyes of yours.

A lot of people expected a lot from me ever since I was born. I am the Kuchiki clan leader. Everything I do must mean something even if it doesn't. The turning of my head, the gesture of my hand, the opening of my lips, the movement of my eyes… They gather attention that I did not really wish for. And that is why I took you, Hisana. That is why I loved you.

You did not look at me like I was Kuchiki. I was not Kuchiki-sama. I was just Byakuya. Even though you spoke to me as "Byakuya-sama" out of formality and whatever else, it did not feel that way. To you, Hisana, I felt like Byakuya. To you, Hisana, I was just Byakuya.

But earlier, while I was retrieving Rukia, I caught a glimpse of you in her.

Rukia looked at Kurosaki Ichigo. She looked with the eyes holding the same expression when you looked at me. And that moment, you had the same eyes as your sister.

I grieved so much when I lost you. I can only imagine what Rukia is undergoing now.

Whose fault was it, Hisana? Hers? Mine? Or the human's?

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AN: I'd appreciate a review. Thank you. Bankai.


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